Chicken Scratch

Returning to LJ for a moment to say -

2008-04-23T23:22:25Z

Happy birthday, lunapome!

Everyone go wish her a good one, because she deserves it!

Today's happy list

2008-04-16T16:34:58Z

InsaneJournal continues to be down, but should be restored today. In the meantime, here are the things getting me through the mid-week slump.

1. I made a giant batch of soup last night, using this super-easy but tasty recipe. (Just a note - I find it a little too salty, so you may want to add plain water.)

2. I made a semi-impulse buy and ordered a coffee maker and coffee grinder yesterday. I don't drink coffee on a regular basis, but I have been drinking it more lately; and this way I won't have to make a trip upstairs to the coffee stand every time.

3. Work on the Warmakers 4-koma continues. It's slow-going, because I'm so not good at humorous art ... but hey, it's a new skill to develop.

4. My BPAL order arrived! I still have to go pick it up from nekokoban, but ... my BPAL order arrived! :D Also, I'm wearing Bengal today, and while it's not my one of my favorites so far, it's still quite nice.

5. ratzeo is running game on Sunday!

Joss Whedon on the murder of Dua Khalil

2008-04-15T18:54:21Z

[InsaneJournal is down and won't let me update, so I'm back to LJ for today.]

Today I found a link to Joss Whedon's commentary on the murder of Dua Khalil, a young woman who was killed almost exactly one year ago. Her death is yet another instance of the abuse of women being treated as a spectator sport - and in the year since, that has not changed. The reason Joss' entry surfaced again is that a charity anthology, Nothing But Red, was written to commemorate Khalil's murder and raise money for Equality Now, and it has just been released.

I never read Joss' entry last year, but I'm glad I found it now. If you are like me and also missed it, I want to bring this it to your attention now for two reasons: the first is that, as to be expected, Joss writes very eloquently about Khalil's death, as well as the pervasiveness of misogyny and sexual oppression.

The second reason is this quote:

"Women’s inferiority – in fact, their malevolence -- is as ingrained in American popular culture as it is anywhere they’re sporting burkhas. I find it in movies, I hear it in the jokes of colleagues, I see it plastered on billboards, and not just the ones for horror movies. Women are weak. Women are manipulative. Women are somehow morally unfinished."

I appreciate that Joss does not use this event as a call to arms for feminism that relies on perpetuating racist and imperialist power differences. In other words, he does not seek to protect women from misogyny by redirecting our malice against non-white men and non-U.S. cultures. Too often, the response - the feminist response, even - to news such as this is one of, "Look how awful they are," and "We should help those women over there." Villainizing minority men, infantilizing minority women, and ignoring the whole heap of steaming bullshit that is sexism in the United States.

I do not feel safe from misogyny for being born in the U.S. In fact, when my so-called "liberal" or "progressive" male peers decry "foreign" sexism but refuse to acknowledge the necessity of combatting or even acknowledging their own privilege - I don't feel very safe at all. Finding one more male ally who not only challenges his male privilege, but also refuses to soothe his ego by relying on his racial privilege, gives me some hope.

sigelphoenix @ 2007-12-21T10:19:00

2007-12-21T18:20:05Z

I have a feed for my IJ (I think). It looks like it's working so far.

sigelphoenix_ij

Return of "The Nice Guy"

2007-12-18T19:56:32Z

Hey, girls! Don't you know that when a guy provides you with emotional intimacy, it is your obligation to be "reciprocating, in kind, with physical intimacy"?

No? Well, that's why you can't find a Nice Guy to date, obviously. Because don't you know, having an emotional connection with someone is only and ever important to a dude for the sake of getting at the poontang.

Yeah, it's more "Women are shallow bitches! I only treat you well because I expect sex in return! ... Women must not like me because I'm too nice, right?" ranting from another socially backward privilege-boy drowning in his own sense of entitlement. The letter itself is pretty painful to read, with the amount of "That? I deserve that because I have a penis" going on.

Luckily, Mightgodking's response makes it all worthwhile. And Ragnell has a more productive and slightly less snarky breakdown of The Nice Guy here.

I admit that The Nice Guy is kind of a sore spot for me, because I had plenty of personal experience with the phenomenon back in high school. And then, interestingly enough, my relationship with ratzeo started out with some of the same structure that Nice Guys attempt to exploit - he was my best friend who also helped me through some dating woes. But then (shockingly!) he did not expect me to fall over myself with gratitude at the fact that he was a decent person, nor to express that gratitude with sexual favors. In fact, when we started dating a long time later, we entered into a mutually respectful relationship that wasn't predicated on him fostering a false sense of guilt-ridden indebtedness in me. And, wonder of wonders, that made me a lot happier. Who knew.

So, yeah - as someone who has been inflicted with The Nice Guy, as someone whose partner could have been a Nice Guy but wasn't, and as someone who herself was socially awkward and could have become a Nice Girl - I have no sympathy. Guys like this neither need, nor deserve, anything beyond a bit of social education and their own right hands.

x-posted to IJ

Moving house

2007-12-17T17:07:22Z

Two things:

1. My paid LJ account is running out in a week or so.
2. LJ hasn't gotten any less stupid in the past six months.

When LJ first started coming out with its ass-backwards policies, I decided that I would stay until my paid account expired. At that point, I'd see if it was worth it to renew my account.

LJ is still not acting like a company I want to give my money to, so I'll be moving over to InsaneJournal. (I already have an account there, but no content yet.) I'll probably get a paid account and move my journal content over there (assuming I can - I'm still learning about various migration tools).

I'll keep my basic account here for the purposes of reading and commenting on my friendslist, but besides that I don't expect to use it for anything.

FYI, if you'd like to be able to read my locked posts, you can get an InsaneJournal account for free and I'll friend you. That's what I've been using my IJ account for so far.

Promise/demand for myself

2007-12-15T08:22:57Z

I just made a Dick Blick order on impulse. Originally, I was just going to browse the website, get a feel for it, and see what I wanted to order in the future. But then I saw that they're having a holiday sale, and anyway coramegan gave me a gift certificate for Christmas, and I thought, if I want to pick up drawing again, I might as well equip myself from the get-go. So.

I've got markers, paper, pens, and pencils coming in the mail (hopefully arriving before I leave Seattle to visit my parents). And I need to tell myself to actually use them.

See, normally I'm doubly thwarted by my Type A desire to hoard things (if I get shiny things like art materials, I'm tempted to keep them rather than use them), combined with my paralyzing lack of self-confidence (the nasty voice in the back of my head says that I'd just use them poorly anyway, so why bother). I could, without exaggeration, keep the markers that shadawyn gave me, all nice and pretty in their case, and let them dry out without ever really using them.

So here's my little message for myself: Self, you are going to use these things that you just plunked down a nice chunk of change for. It doesn't matter if you might suck at using them. Because right now, you do suck. But you used to be kind of good, back in the day, or at least you had potential; and you could be kind of good again. If you try. And in order to do that, you've got to actually use the stuff. You're buying enough quantities that you can mess up, use them up, and still have leftover to try again. And it's okay if you mess up and use them up. For reals.

And now it's time for sleep.

sigelphoenix @ 2007-12-14T14:45:00

2007-12-14T22:50:15Z

Am getting shocked by every available metal surface in the office. All day long and repeatedly.

What the hell, static electricity. Why are you out to get me?

This better, like, give me super powers or something.

Last night, I had a dream ...

2007-12-14T00:48:58Z

And in less dramatic and confidential news ...

I have now joined the ranks of DS owners. 8D

ratzeo gave me one of the shiny new "crimson and black" style last night for Christmas. And he and kyonkun furnished me with a few games to ~~suck my life away~~ practice with.

(He gave it to me earlier than originally intended, because I was complaining about being bored while I was sick. And a DS is manageable when your head is fuzzy, but has the benefit of being less brain-killing than extended Internet surfing. I have the best boyfriend evar.)

Now, ironically, I was actually well enough to come to work today, so I haven't gotten a chance to use it much. But I don't care, because ... well, now I'm on the road to recovery *and* have a shiny new DS. XD

And then there was the dream.

Lately, I've been having unusually lucid and relevant dreams. Most of the time I get unconnected fragments that don't really mean anything or interest me much. But in the past couple of weeks, I've dreamed about: being Nine's companion (who was not Rose, and I think might have joined Nine and Rose the way Jack did?), being Ten's companion (who either was Rose, or Rose did not exist in that reality), and being the target of an attempted seduction by Adrian Pasdar (which was more funny than sexy-sexy, though that may be because I think that Adrian Pasdar, while a good-looking man, is more funny than sexy-sexy).

Last night, I had a D&D dream. Bound to happen sooner or later.

Technically, I was playing a D&D game, rather than actually being an adventurer. But you know how dreams are, when "real" isn't a strict category - so things that happened In Game versus In Real Life kind of blurred.

The GM of the game was an industry professional whom I didn't know very well (so, not irishninja). Maybe it was the_monkey_king, since I met him once at shadawyn's birthday party? In any case, our mystery GM decided that we should go visit the Underdark. XD;;;

Whoever he was, I never got a good look at his face or expression, so I don't know if he was using us for shits and giggles or what. Regardless, I dutifully joined the party, even though we were something like level 2, and went gamely in.

(I don't remember the details of my character, but I know she was female, and probably a rogue-type who seemed to be an elf or half-elf. Which is odd, since I've never actually been interested in playing an elf. But anyway.)

The first thing we encountered in the Underdark was a Reaper. As in, the Reaper from "Faith," one of the few episodes of Supernatural I've ever seen. ^^; It was kind of freaky, though, because we were trapped in a small, enclosed area with it, and we knew that it could kill us with a touch. And I remember thinking, I don't want to have to build another character!

While we were fleeing, one of my party members started yelling, "A wand! Get a wand!" And you know, I wish I could say that this thought was the result of my thorough knowledge of D&D spellcasting ... but more likely than not, I was just thinking of Harry Potter or something.

Here's another moment when game and reality blurred, because I "was" my character, fleeing from the Reaper. At the same time, I was trying to fend it off with a book, which was probably my Player's Handbook. XD;;

The Reaper had nearly closed on me when it suddenly started cringing away, and I saw my co-worker E standing there with a wand. Co-worker E does actually play D&D, so that sorta made sense ... kinda ... well okay no. But anyway, co-worker E saved my ass and my character survived.

And then I woke up.

Surface Tension

2007-12-12T22:43:40Z

The full title is Surface Tension: Love, Sex, and Politics Between Lesbians and Straight Women, edited by Meg Daly. I picked it up a couple of months ago at the library book sale, and, like all the books I get there, I didn't actually read it until much later (though this is still better than the dozens of books I've bought there and never read at all).

Right off the bat, I should point out that this is a pretty safe book for straight women who make at least good-faith efforts against their own homophobia. What I mean is that there is little here to make straight women significantly uncomfortable - no hard-hitting accusations of our homophobia or our complicity in institutionalized heterosexism. Also, since the book actively focuses on lesbians and straight women, we get to coddle our privilege-born self-absorption and not feel left out.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. This kind of moderation for the sake of the privileged group can be a useful way to get them to hear you out - I fully admit that it was part of the reason I read this book. It's a practical approach, assuming it isn't the only one (i.e., we move beyond Homophobia 101 at some point).

Back to the book itself - the opening two sections, "Best Friends," and "Romantic Love" contain both autobiographical and fictional accounts (I think). A recurring theme is the way that homophobia drives women apart - whether it's a straight woman's homophobia leading her to reject her lesbian best friend (Sylvia Brownrigg's "Like Cutting Off My Arm") or a young lesbian's ignorance about her sexuality that leads her to express her desire for her female friend in destructive ways (Lisa Springer's "Between Girls").

These stories are accessible, which is good; however, they're still quite safe. It's easy for me to read these, feel bad for the lesbian women hurt by homophobia, and walk away without feeling implicated myself. After all, I haven't rejected any of my lesbian friends, so I'm not culpable for their grief, right? I can feel bad for their hardship, but still treat that hardship as a personalized/emotional ordeal that has nothing to do with social patterns. Here's where I started to worry about the book being watered down in order to be palatable.

However, the next sections are more rigorous. "Curiosity, Desire, and Sex" explore straight women's feelings for lesbians, and vice versa. Daphne Merkin undergoes an interesting self-examination entitled "A Closet of One's Own: On Not Becoming a Lesbian" - she has a "passion for women," yet retains sexual desire (only) for men. I especially like how she affirms the fact that sexual desire says nothing about social relationships - as we all know, straight men can desire women while neither loving nor respecting them. On the other (more positive) hand, this also means that straight women do not need to reserve their love and respect for only men.

Merkin's piece is echoed by ideas in the next section, which is called "On Passing and Solidarity." Interestingly, I thought this part of the book would include essays about lesbians passing as straight women, but instead it is about straight and bisexual women passing as lesbians. (That was a bit of my privileged self-centeredness showing.)

The first essay, by Ann Powers, "Queer in the Streets, Straight in the Sheets: Notes on Passing," left kind of a bad taste in my mouth. Her idea of "queering" heterosexuality is one I've read about before - rejecting expectations of heteronormativity and embracing queer attitudes towards gender, sex, politics, etc. But consider this passage from Powers:

"Yet some straights passing for queer [...] are hoping to lose their straight identity and maybe even find themselves. My own experience started with the not-so-noble wish to be accepted in situations that attracted me because they felt not only less repressive but far more vital than those dinner parties and double dates so common in straight circles [...] Imagining myself as a Queer Straight, I discovered the serious differences I have with the trajectory upon which I'd thoughtlessly been traveling. In these moments, passing became a passage into a whole new conception of the self."

Queerness becomes a tool for the author's self-discovery. It sounds an awful lot like cultural appropriation by white people, who try to fix their 'lack of a culture' or 'discover their true identity' by snatching up pieces of non-white culture - claiming Native American deities or wearing 'exotic costumes' or what-have-you. All the while, of course, the privileged appropriator never feels the burden of oppression, and gets to enjoy both her own privilege and the good parts of POC culture.

Powers acknowledges this risk - including the racial parallel - but her defense feels inadequate to me. Why can't she acknowledge the progressive ideas from lesbians and queer culture by respecting them as the rightful 'authors'? Why appropriate the title "queer" and try to pass at all? A more trenchant examination of "theoretical lesbians" comes in the next essay, "Conceptual Lesbianism," which is written by Dorothy Allison, who is not surprisingly a lesbian herself. I'm glad the editor put these two essays back-to-back, so that "queer straights" don't get let off the hook.

Both this section and the next one, "Blurred Boundaries, or Which One Is the Lesbian?" contain essays by bisexual women about being rejected from straight, and especially lesbian, spheres. It's an important issue to give attention to, though I felt a little voyeuristic reading these pieces - I could easily sit back and watch queer women in-fighting, without worrying about the part that homophobia plays in the conflict (again with that feeling safe).

One of the essays I liked best - possibly because it is most theoretical - is in the final section, "Visibility, Community, and Our Separate Spheres." It's "The (Fe)male Gaze," by Elizabeth Wurtzel, and the point of the (somewhat disjointed) piece is to look at how the Indigo Girls, lesbian musicians, manage to escape the male gaze more successfully than other (straight) female musicians, who still respond to it even while rejecting it. Straight women who rebel, Wurtzel says, fall into the trap of rebelling for men even as they rebel from men - they want to abolish standards for what is 'sexy' in women, but, paradoxically, they still require male approval of their unconventional sexiness.

(Wurtzel does risk essentializing here, by talking about What Lesbians Do as opposed to What Straight Women Do. Like Powers, she acknowledges this risk; and like Powers, her explanation is not entirely convincing.)

Overall: recommended for straight girls, though as an introduction to queer issues rather than a self-contained education. As for queer women, I'm sure a lot of this isn't news - I don't know if this would make the book feel comfortably familiar, or just repetitive.

P.S. When I started this entry, it was beginning to get dark outside of my window, and I wondered, "Is it almost time for dinner?" But no, it was only 3:30 p.m. D:

Blargh

2007-12-12T03:37:32Z

Count me among the people who are sick. *sigh* And I was doing so well over the weekend, too; I'd almost kicked it.

I'm going to try to go into work tomorrow, because I, um, only have one day of sick leave left. And though I told myself I wouldn't freak out if I ran out and had to go unpaid, I didn't expect something like that to happen this soon. Especially since I will soon need to pay off my credit card bill from all my Christmas shopping.

What sucks is that, when I stay home sick, I can't do anything. I try to rest my body, but there's only so much you can sleep in a day. I don't have the energy or mental focus to do anything productive, even though I have a great book I want to read, or shiny new markers I want to color with (thanks to shadawyn!). Instead I just listlessly surf the internet. And write whiny LJ entries, I guess.

Pointless babble as I sit at home ...

2007-12-04T23:19:40Z

... guzzling tea and downing satsumas and trying to rid myself of that ominous tickle in my throat.

In an effort to stave off my am-I-or-am-I-not brooding about my maybe-sickness, I'm thinking about things that are making me happy right now:

- Guzzling tea and downing satsumas is actually a pretty good way to spend my day, actually. The bright side to the fact that I never remember to buy myself cold medicine is that I have to administer tastier food-based remedies to myself.

- I have a new winter coat, since the zipper on my old one busted last week. kyonkun gave it to me as an early Christmas present, and it's all downy and squishy. :D

- I really enjoy wrapping, packaging, and otherwise arranging Christmas presents for people. A pile of wrapped presents is slowly amassing in my room (others are still en route in the mail, or stored at ratzeo's apartment). Seeing a pile of gifts for other people makes me just as happy as seeing a pile of gifts for myself. (Well, okay ... maybe just a teeny bit less happy. XD;;)

- I really look forward to my plans for the remainder of the week, and I'm doing my level best to make sure I'm healthy for them. Can't do anything more right now.

- Since I'm relaxing and (trying to) nap today, I'll have more energy to do the bedroom and basement cleanup I've been poking at since last week. Last night I was too tired to muster the energy, and then I watched the finale of Heroes and it sucked the remainder of my will to be productive.

Edit: My Q Center meeting has been postponed. So that's one less thing to worry about!

To sick leave or not to sick leave

2007-12-04T18:02:08Z

The maybe-sick feeling from yesterday continues this morning. It went away last night, but now I'm a bit sniffly and starting to feel fuzzy-headed. It's at that maddening midway point where it could either get worse into full-blown sickness, or could go away tomorrow.

I'm not incapacitated, and normally I would soldier on. But I've got a bunch of things coming up that I would hate to miss: a meeting at the Q Center and dinner at a friend's house on Thursday, a staff retreat on Friday, and the party on Saturday. (Admittedly, I wouldn't be heartbroken at missing the retreat, just mildly disappointed.)

So the question is, do I try to cut my losses and go home today, hoping that I can sleep/tea my way back to health at home? Or do I stick it out and hope that I don't feel worse? My inclination is to go home, but that would also mean finding coverage for the front desk and using some hours of sick leave.

Oh, for the days when I didn't worry about counting sick leave. :P

I kind of want to feel indignant at getting sick, since I'm so scrupulous about washing my hands, eating healthy, and taking vitamin supplements, and I've been working out for two months and should be stronger (i.e. get a boost to my Con). Then again, I do work in an office where at least one person has been sick at any given time for the past several weeks, including the student assistants who cover the phones for me on my breaks. The fact that I haven't gotten sick yet (especially given my track record for Autumn Quarter in previous years) is actually impressive. So I shouldn't complain. (Much.)

Hello, December

2007-12-03T19:59:01Z

The month arrived in typical Seattle fashion: we got snow on the first day (which by itself would be unusual), but then the temperature jumped 20 degrees over the next two days and now we're hit with heavy rain that has already flooded one building on campus. Oh, Washington. ♥

My luck being what it is, I was outside Christmas shopping when the snow started on Saturday. Since that was the last day I could dedicate to shopping before the party this Saturday, though, I soldiered on. But I got everything I needed, woo! And it wasn't so bad, really; the snow was really pretty and I was adequately bundled against the cold. ratzeo also pointed out that we were experiencing the commercially ideal scenario: spending lots of money on Christmas shopping at Pike Place Market on the first day of December in the snow. XD

The idea of going home and enjoying the snow from inside was tempting, but ratzeo and I had tickets to see The Vinyl Cafe at the Moore Theatre that night. And it takes a hell of a lot to make me miss a show. ;) The Vinyl Cafe is a traveling Canadian radio show that alternates between hilarious short stories and awesome musical guests, and we got to see Danny Michel (who was lots of fun), and Allison Russell of Po'Girl (who was just wow). A perfect introduction to Canadian culture for a heathen American like me. ;)

Sunday we had a Warmakers session, which was just awesome. And we also earned a promise of fic from irishninja, our illustrious GM. XD

Today ... Well, today is a Monday, and it feels very slow. I'm feeling paranoid that I've been infected with whatever sickness has been travelling around my office, so I'm guzzling tea and vitamin C in the hopes of fighting if off. *sigh* And my weekend was so nice ...

[Warmakers] In the Flesh

2007-12-01T04:33:02Z

Title: In the Flesh
Characters: Sae and Reika, mentions of Gunnar and Ichiro
Warmakers Adventure: 14
Word Count: ~3,300
Summary: Sae's sister is her twin, but that doesn't mean their bodies are the same. Sae likes her Guardian powers, but that doesn't mean she's comfortable with what her body can do.
Notes: All of the twins' conversation comes from an email RP with shadawyn.

Sae's body feels strange.

After the last of the devils teleport themselves out of the Guardians' plane, fleeing from Reika's magically initimidating presence, the teenagers let themselves relax. Some of them move immediately to the living quarters in order to find a bed and get some of the sleep they've been denied for the past several hours. Some, like Nariko and Miya, check on those who were hurt in the battle, Guardian and non-Guardian alike.

Sae herself stands uncertainly in the hallway. She knows she should try to get some sleep, too, before her body runs out of fuel. And she does feel tired. It's just that she also feels ... powerful, still. Like she's ready to take on another devil invasion.

Maybe it's just adrenaline, triggered by the near-fatal threats that keep harrying them, pushing her body to keep going even when she is tired. But Sae knows this feeling is unusual, even for the time since she has awakened as a Guardian. There is too much energy in her body to be normal - too much power, flooding her limbs and feeling like it is ready to pour from her fingertips - and her body is a meager dam for the surge. She wants to fight - run - face down physical challenges and conquer them.

If she could turn some of this preternatural energy onto some task, she might be able to deal with it. But there is nothing for her to do. She can't work with Reika to make a plan for their meeting with the U.S. president; her mind isn't capable of dealing with matters of international diplomacy. And she can't heal the injured, or even take care of herself by going to sleep; her body isn't capable of either, at least right now. Her body wants to keep killing, not rest.

***

Reika doesn't have this problem, Sae knows. Though powerful in her own right, Reika is not a physical fighter. She also dislikes killing anything, unless it's a devil.

But Reika, who is sitting alone in an empty hallway of the plane, sets aside her laptop when she sees her sister's face and asks, "What's wrong? Are you okay?" and Sae sits next to her and talks anyway, though she isn't sure she makes much sense. It's the talking that helps; talking with Reika never makes her feel dumb or awkward, even though she knows her words are inadequate for this problem. She just leans her head against Reika's shoulder, and Reika pats her hair.

Reika may not know about fighting with swords, but she's battled devils with her magic. And maybe her knowledge about magic gives her insight into Sae's - and all the Guardians' - unnatural powers. After a thoughtful silence, she explains her ideas to Sae, about how fast their powers are developing and how that might affect untried teenagers like them, and Sae listens and understands as best she can.

"We're getting our powers so quickly because things are escalating and we're nearing the end. This war has already done a lot of damage to the world. I hope it's not going to drag out for years and years. If it does, I don't know what's going to be left to save."

There is silence as Sae absorbs those words - Sae and Reika both, maybe. There are too many things that they risk losing to think about without getting overwhelmed by despair. It's easier to focus on the immediate threats, the creatures that stand in front of them and try to hurt their bodies, rather than the loved ones who may be far away from the battle, but still at risk.

But Reika's voice interrupts Sae from getting too lost in dark imaginings. "Ichiro would probably know better than me. He knows everything. Just ask him. He'll tell you so." She sighs. "Me, I'm just making this up as I go."

These are other dark thoughts - less dire, but still capable of causing discouragement. Sae makes a face and says, "Ichiro's scary. Besides, Ichiro knows about magic, but he doesn't know any more than you about being a Guardian."

Or a hero, she thinks to herself. I know she's not supposed to be special for being my sister, but at least she can be special for what she does, taking care of all of us and the rest of the world.

And then there are the dark thoughts that triggered Sae to seek her sister out in the first place. "I've been feeling like this a lot since I got the scimitar from Cyrus the Great," she says. "Sometimes I can pass it off as stress or adrenaline, but I don't think that's all of it. You know, I used to worry that I didn't have the right power to be a Guardian." Her voice is low, her words for Reika's ears alone. "Now I feel like I have the power, but I wonder if I can handle it all."

Reika cocks her head. "What is it exactly that you're worried about? That you can't keep up with them? Or that you'll lose control?"

"That I'll lose control," Sae says. She lifts her hand, clenches it into a fist, stares at it. "I want this power, but I don't want it to be in charge of me." If the flesh is more powerful than the mind, she isn't sure what that means about that mind.

***

These are the fears shared between two sisters with the same voice. The physical burden Sae bears is lightened by the presence of her twin; Reika's shoulder is warm beneath her cheek, and even the bright colors of Reika's clothing are comforting, a defiant contrast against the monotonous metal of the plane.

Sae relaxes enough that finds herself speaking, without really thinking about it. "Do you think Gunnar - " she begins, then interrupts herself to blurt, "don't laugh," before Reika even has a chance to. "Do you think he has this problem? He's as strong as a giant, even though he's our age. And some of his abilities are even like mine. Maybe I should start training with him again."

"I've never heard of a Guardian going bad," Reika says. She doesn't point out that almost all they know about Guardians is simply guessing, because what she says is true - they've never know a Guardian who turned evil. But Sae doesn't really care at this point; the thought is still comforting.

"So I think you shouldn't be scared of losing control of your power. Even when Gunnar goes crazy, he doesn't turn on us. He knows, even when it seems like he's lost it - who is companions are, and who our enemies are. You're much more level-headed than him, so if he's safe, you most definitely are.

"But - I think you should train with Gunnar, none-the-less. It'll make your feel more sure of the abilities you're getting, and maybe you won't feel so restless about them if you have someone to commiserate and compare with. My fear about our rapidly developing powers is that we won't learn how to use them, or even know we have them until it's too late to save someone we could have helped. Your powers seem to have a theme to them, so if you train with Gunnar, maybe you'll unlock those powers and know how to utilize them, and he will, too, before they become needed. That might help your concerns, too. Does that make sense?"

Sae nods quietly, her frown beginning to relax.

Reika ducks her head and adds in a sly whisper, "Besides, then you can spend more time with him."

"Stop it!" Sae whispers, eyes darting around as if any of their wounded and exhausted teammates were actually listening. "I don't ..."

But she can't lie to Reika. "Hmph," she finishes.

But her body belies her verbal grumpiness, as the tension leaves her shoulders and her legs sprawl out in a more relaxed position. Her muscles don't feel as heavy now. "Boys are kind of dumb, aren't they?" she asks, and Reika smiles.

***

Gunnar makes her feel backwards.

Her body is never calm around him. When they spar, her body explodes into action, constantly moving, attacking, reacting to his. Neither of them holds back, except to put away their more lethal weapons; there is no chance of rest here.

When they talk, her body does not move, but her heart pounds as if it's trying to flee. Her eyes, constantly restless, never seem able to hold his gaze. Her throat tightens, snatching words and twisting them into argument and insult. She either closes herself, seeming cold and indifferent toward him; or opens her mouth, and finds too much feeling escaping.

Sae's body never rests around Gunnar. Still, she feels calmer around him - the plaintive, aggressive, fearful voices of her flesh and its strange abilities quieted. Because she is doing what she needs to do - fighting, glorying in her strength without it being overshadowed by threat to her life or the lives of her teammates. And when they talk ... she worries about her feelings, his feelings. But never about who she is.

She would tell him this, if she had the words.

***

But words never seem to work right when Sae talks to Gunnar. She returns to Reika after her conversation with him with a slump in her shoulders, her braid unraveling and hanging limp between her shoulders like a sad puppy's droopy tail.

Reika listens to her, and hugs her, but doesn't join her in despair. Instead she laughs a little at Sae's recounting of the failed conversation - and Sae thinks, okay, maybe she is being a little silly - and then Reika asks her gently, "Do you really like-like Gunnar, or are you just going after him because I pointed you at him at the Vatican? Because if you do really like him, then you know I'll help out however I can. But if you're just going after him because I thought you should ... I don't want you to be beating yourself up about it, because that's not right, and I shouldn't have done that."

Sae sits up and frowns, shaken out of her self-absorption by confusion. "You what? I thought you just asked me to talk to him because ... were you - ?" She stops, thinks, and then her expression transforms from confusion, to understanding, to shock. "Reika, were you trying to set us up?"

Reika actually has the decency to look embarrassed. "Well, you two seemed to have some chemistry, so I just ... nudged it along. Because if I hadn't, you guys would have taken until the end of time. But ... do you actually like him?"

"I'm your sister," she says reproachfully, though without much force. And then adds, "But I guess you're right. Even now I don't think you could call any of this 'progress.'"

"I did it because you're my sister. We're going through a lot of bad things, and we deserve good things, too. But that also means that if you didn't want to pursue it, you shouldn't, because we don't deserve more trouble." Reika looks thoughtful, and then she holds up a finger. "But! That also-also doesn't mean you can just run away because it's hard or difficult.

"... I think I like him," Sae says finally. "But you know I don't have much experience with this kind of thing. I mean, it's kind of weird to like him, isn't it? He's not really cool or cute like normal guys. He's just big and kind of scary. Except not scary - he looks like he should be, but once you get to know him he's really nice. Well, in his own way.

"But even if it is weird, I want him to like me. I actually care what he thinks - and I don't care what the others think, if they just treat me like an extension of you. It'd be okay if they even ignored me altogether. Just not him."

"There's a lot of admire about Gunnar, oneesan. A lot to admire about all of us. Look at us. Look at what we're doing, and somehow, it almost seems like we're accomplishing something. That we might have a chance."

Reika's lips quirk for a moment, like she has something else to say, but a moment or two of silence passes, and she seems to change her mind. "I think you admire him. I guess that doesn't mean you necessarily like-like him in that way." Another silence. "Well, how do you feel when you're around him? Not that you want to impress him. But do you want to... um," Reika looks up at the ceiling and blushes, "you know, touch him?"

"Well, we touch when we spar - REIKA!" Sae gasps, and then immediately looks around to make sure no one comes running at her shout.

That fear assuaged, she hunches down, both body and voice dropping down to lower levels. "You don't mean like ... like the TV show in Germany?"

"Well, not exactly like that. At least, not right now. I mean - do you want to make him feel better by hugging him, or get close so you can smell him, or just sit close, even if you're not talking? Not that the two of you are particularly cuddly. But things like that."

"Oh. Well ... I guess. I mean, Gunnar doesn't need to get close to someone to smell them. And usually *he* smells like sweat and blood, at least when we're in a battle, or when he and I are sparring. Which I guess should be gross, but it's okay because that's when his body is really alive, you know? And mine feels alive too. I guess we really should train together again," she mutters, half to herself.

Sae tries not to think about her body much in relation to Gunnar, except in terms of combat. It's confusing enough to talk to him; her mind feels downright overwhelmed when she considers that she finds him cute, or wonders if he thinks she is pretty. But in Reika's presence, the nervous flutter of her heartbeat is a little more manageable, since she isn't isolated with it.

"I think ..." she says slowly. "I think it would be nice to be close to him, without needing to talk. It was like that in Osaka, in the love hotel. We didn't touch," she says, a blush rising in her face. "And I was really nervous, and kind of scared, but it was also exciting. And ..." She thinks about yesterday, when she was on top of him in the car. Her blush darkening, she leans closer to Reika and drops her voice to a whisper. "He's really muscular, you know."

She wonders if it's a bad thing, to feel this way about something that happened right outside a church.

***

But just because Reika is comforting, doesn't mean that she isn't also challenging.

"How about this?" Reika asks, when their discussion of the boys starts to get discouraging again. "If you'll talk to Gunnar and try to get to know him better, until you know if you just want to be his friend of if you want to be something more, and so he can figure out the same, I'll talk try to talk to Ichiro about our problems. And if they work out for the both of us, then we have something to celebrate. And if it works out for one of us, but not the other, then we'll console the other, and it'll be okay, because we're young, and we have plenty of time left." Her heart isn't quite in the last sentence, but she continues anyway.

"And if it doesn't work out for either of us, we'll eat ice cream together and beat up devils to make ourselves feel better. But we both have to try. No chickening out. Okay?"

Sae sits and listens to her sister talk with a worried frown, wondering if maybe she can just hide from Reika's encouragement - no, her challenge. She tries making some noncommittal noises, hoping that will be enough; but then Reika looks straight into her eyes when she says not to chicken out. And then waits pointedly for an answer.

Sae flinches, and hedges, "I don't know. I already know that Ichiro likes you; he even kissed you, but Gunnar ..." She trails off at the implacable look on Reika's face. Reika may not follow the rules, but
she can be her own special brand of taskmaster.

She swallows. Considers her options. She could run away from all of this, act around Gunnar like she barely notices him; she could probably fool him, too. The young Sae, the pre-Guardian Sae, wants to do that. Or she could do what Reika suggests and try to be Gunnar's friend, and maybe, maybe - the possibility stirs a fluttering feeling in her chest.

And if that doesn't work - well, she reassures herself that Reika isn't telling her to confess her feelings no matter what. If Gunnar never ends up liking her that way, there's no reason she has to tell him her feelings. She promises the small, scared part of her that she can still hide, if that's the case. Hide, and just eat ice cream with her sister.

"Okay."

Reika smiles and pulls out a marker, taking her Sae's arm. "While I have you here, I might as well work on this." She starts drawing a tribal pattern around her sister's wrist. Her hand shakes a little, like she's just comprehended what she's committed herself to. Sae feels a bit shaky herself, and it makes her feel less lonely to see her uncertainty mirrored in Reika's body.

"Ichiro says he likes me - not to me, of course, but ... he was really, really drunk when he kissed me. I don't even know if that counts. I don't think it does. He doesn't even talk about it. I don't know. And just because he likes me, and I like him - well, it's not to be discouraging, but I don't know if that somehow makes anything easier. I think it makes the whole thing more complicated, because you know there are feelings that are going to get hurt, and you've got the feelings, and you don't understand why they hurt so much when it's not supposed to hurt, it's supposed to feel good and ..." She pauses in her drawing for a moment and swallows. "Ichiro and I sort of rushed into things, and then butted our heads together after everything got tied up in knots. You have an opportunity to get a healthy foundation with Gunnar, so maybe, if things happen, it'll go much smoother for you.

"But I guess we're getting ahead of ourselves. We're going to talk to our guys. Just talk. And whatever happens, happens, and no matter what that is, we have each other, and we'll be okay."

Sae says nothing, watching Reika continue drawing the pattern. It doesn't make sense to her, but then again, most of Reika's magic is beyond her comprehension. She just takes it for what it is: her sister's mark, a mark of strength and support, on her flesh.

***

Sae's body and mind are both exhausted by the end of her watch duty, and this time she is grateful for the chance to sleep.

Sae claims the bunk above her sister's and falls, more than lies, down onto the mattress. She still doesn't have all the answers she's looking for, but she has a start; and satisfaction combines with weariness to silence the tension of her body. At least for a little while.

Live Like a Cat Day!

2007-11-28T17:05:48Z

Lols.

Shiny things

2007-11-27T04:09:03Z

I got my SJC order in today. :D This one and this one arrived. This one did not, but it shipped out later in the day than the other two, so I'm hoping it'll arrive tomorrow.

Overall, I'm quite pleased. shadawyn gave me very helpful advice, by reminding me that objects on a jewelry website are smaller than they appear. Without that (and considering that the website does not list the measurements for all of their pieces), I probably would have been disappointed. As it is, I do wish the pendants were larger, but this way they're probably better for everyday wear. I love big dangly jewelry, but big dangly semi-precious gemstones would probably be overdoing it. :P And besides, for less than $10 apiece I really can't complain.

(Actually, the only thing that disappointed me was the length of the silver chain I ordered, which was entirely my fault. I don't know what possessed me to order the shortest length, but it's not really good for wearing with anything other than a turtleneck.)

Other than that not-quite-problem, my jewelry is quite satisfactory. Pretty and shiny - that's all I ask for.

I am a person, not a tool

2007-11-26T17:52:07Z

#6

Words of truth, shown to me by nekokoban.

Edit: So I thought I would just post this link because it was funny and true, but not because of anything that happened specifically today. WELL I WAS WRONG. Thanks a bunch to today's self-important asshole. FYI, your credentials don't save you from being a dick.

Edit again: Cures all ills.

A new experience

2007-11-25T22:24:59Z

I just tried something different for the first time last night. It was a lot of fun, if kind of confusing, and kept me up for most of the night. Also, now my ass hurts.

As you've surely guessed, I played Rock Band for the first time last night. ... whut. music_enforcer and lunapome recently got it and let me come over to their apartment last night, where I joined them and ratzeo, zinjadu, miss_arel, and nekokoban (who did not play an instrument, but instead provided peanut gallery commentary :Db).

Having never played Guitar Hero or any other games of that ilk, I didn't think I could do anything besides vocals, and then I couldn't do vocals because I don't know rock music. But miss_arel took a break from drums and convinced me to try ...

... and ZOMG it's SO MUCH FUN. XD;;

Now, miss_arel did point out, quite accurately, that sometimes, on the drums, you're reduced to an angry monkey banging on things with sticks. (This is especially the case when you trigger your "Overdrive" mode, at least for me - you improvise for a specified amount of time, which means that no-improv-skills me just whacks things at random.) But! XD;; It was a lot of fun, and everyone was very patient with me as I learned. And also? I got to make a Gwen'maethor'roval avatar, how cool is that.

Since I essentially played for something like six hours straight, I managed to work my way up from Easy to Hard mode. However, this advancement came with two costs: one, I didn't have time to learn the more complicated combinations, so I still go into "angry monkey" mode at times. XD;; Also, the kick pedal is kind of a pain to use, and now I have soreness up my right leg (hence the ass pain). Not that this is going to stop me from playing at every moment that someone who owns the game will let me at their drum set.

Oh yeah, happy belated Thanksgiving to the United Statesians out there. 8D

sigelphoenix @ 2007-11-21T16:21:00

2007-11-22T00:21:58Z

My boss is letting everyone go home early. I'm outta here~~

Birthday/Christmas wishlist

2007-11-20T03:43:35Z

A few people have asked me what I would like for my birthday or for Christmas - so, thank you for thinking of me! Here's my wishlist for anyone who's interested. If you are not interested, carry on. :)

I really like having wishlists to work with when I'm finding gifts for my friends, so I hope other people post their lists too!

1. If you would like to make a donation to a feminist and/or anti-racist organization, or other charity, in lieu of a gift for me, I think that'd be fabulous. (Of course, I'd still like to know about it, because I'm selfish and want the warm fuzzies. :P)

Here are some suggestions for where to donate, though of course any worthwhile cause is a good choice:

- Communities Against Rape and Abuse, a Seattle-based activist organization working to end violence against marginalized communities
- Pretty Bird Woman House, the Native women's shelter mentioned here
- Feminist Majority Foundation, notable for owning Ms. magazine
- Bitch, independent magazine reporting on pop culture through a feminist lens
- Home Alive, Seattle-based anti-violence organization
- Real Change, Seattle-based poverty advocacy
- Child's Play, Penny Arcade's charity for children's hospitals

2. If you feel like indulging my materialism instead, my top wish right now is for art supplies. I'm equipped with a sketchbook and #2 pencils, so an upgrade would be awesome. ^^; I would love to start building a marker collection, and maybe get a better sketchbook that could handle markers.

3. It may come as a surprise for people who know me, but I'm actually trying to *stop* buying earrings, because I have so damn many. However, if someone would be kind enough to give me jewelry, I like shiny things for my hair. :3 Hair sticks and such would be fabulous.

4. Those who are involved in any of the games I play in could cater to my narcissism by writing fic or drawing art of my characters. 8D I'm thinking of Nexus (Next Time Gamers), Sae maybe with Reika, or Gunnar (Warmakers), or Devon (Hunter), but I wouldn't say no to the Jedi either. XD

5. Comic books? Maybe Wonder Woman or other DC stuff, since I'm still getting to know the DCU.

6. I like sci-fi, anti-oppression theory, D&D ... I can't think of any specific book or anything that I want, but those are some things that make me happy.

7. And if none of that works, there's always the gift certificate route. Seriously, I'm so indecisive about what I want, I don't expect other people to be able to decide for me. XD;;

[Warmakers] Long-Distance Communication

2007-11-19T17:19:58Z

Title: Long-Distance Communication
Characters: Sae and Gunnar
Warmakers Adventure: 14
Word Count: ~1,200
Summary: The Guardians are chased out of Tokyo by devils. Gunnar and Sae have a chance to talk. Both things are pretty scary.
Notes: Much of this fic was co-written in an email RP with ratzeo, Gunnar's player, and involves a minor retcon of what happened during the adventure.

Sanctuary was too much to hope for, it seems. The Shibuya Catholic Church may have offered the Guardians shelter, and world leaders may have exhorted humanity to aid the Guardians in their quest. But all their human aid could not stop the devil invasion that tore into Tokyo and tracked them down to the church.

Their best offer of protection comes from Father Jiro, who stands to face the pit fiend invading the church, while the Guardians escape with the police escort prepared to take them to Narita Airport.

Running away into the darkness, Sae thinks bitterly. She hates running; she wants to do something against the devils attacking them. Instead, they're leaving an old priest to face their enemy, trading his life for theirs.

Once the Guardians emerge from the church's back exit, they see a line of SUVs ready to transport them - along with a line of devils ready to thwart their escape.

Hamatulas, Sae realizes with a shudder. Still, they're something tangible to fight, and she doesn't hesitate to move forward and defend the cars while her teammates pile into the cars.

Once the others are in, Sae rises out of her defensive crouch and sprints toward the nearest one, sheathing her scimitars as she goes. Gunnar is only a few meters ahead of her - once he's in, everyone will be relatively safe inside. Now, just to make sure she outruns the hamatulas - she can probably make a jump and cover the rest of the distance -

But then Gunnar's arm whips back and reaches for her, and even though he barely turns his head back to look he grabs her wrist easily - like the hamatula grabbed me, is her first thought, and then, but safe.

Gunnar gives her arm a yank, and Sae, propelled by both her own speed and Gunnar's prodigious strength, goes barrelling forward. For a second her feet leave the ground, and Gunnar's do too, as they pitch through the open doorway. They end up in a pile on the backseat, not quite upright, and also not quite inside, before the SUV surges forward, as Kyoko wastes no time in getting them moving.

Sae clutches for balance, one hand on a car seat and one on Gunnar's arm. And thinks, this guy is built like a bear, and then, I think his knee bruised my ribs, and then realizes she's on top of him, and thinks, stop thinking stop thinking stop thinking.

She pushes herself off of Gunnar as quickly as possible, attempting to find her scimitars and her balance at the same time. Her gaze flicks over to his face, and he looks unperturbed, just slightly concerned - the same concern she saw when he glanced back at her on their way to the car. No embarassment, no ... well. Just concern.

Dumbly, she thinks, At least he pulled me in after himself, instead of insisting I get in first.

"Task at hand," she mutters to herself, and looks around the car to see about taking up a defensive position. The devils chasing them have started up a nasty tactic of teleporting onto the roof of a car and driving it off the road - it looks like their getaway won’t be smooth.

Gunnar hoists himself out of the sunroof and onto the car itself, making a harness for himself by sacrificing a seatbelt. Fortunately for Sae, this leaves the sunroof open for her to get a look outside. It also means that she and Gunnar don't have to sit together inside the car.

As the police transport rushes the Guardians away from the devil-infested church and toward the Narita Airport, it seems all the kids have a similar thought: screw the rules, we're contacting our parents. Sae can see her teammates in the car below busily dialing their cellphones, and Reika in the car in front of her own, doing the same.

The text message alert plays on her own phone, and Sae temporarily sheathes one of her scimitars in order to read the message. It's from Reika: "Calling Mom & Dad," it says. She nods to herself, puts away the phone, and reassumes her guard position in the open sunroof.

Through the rear windshield of the car ahead, Sae watches Reika as she dials again, this time to call their parents. It will be the first time the Yanagisawas have heard directly from their daughters in months.

What must they think of us? she wonders. Surely they wouldn't have believed the lies of UNARMED's propaganda machine. But what do they think of the truth? Do they believe that their children are superpowered dragon-fighters? Have they heard the recent news, about Team Alpha being heroes?

I wonder ... I wonder if okaasan is impressed that I'm a Guardian.

"Aren't you going to call? Your parents."

It takes Sae a moment to place the question as coming from Gunnar. He looms above her, crouched on the roof of the car. She stares at him in surprised silence, as if he has suddenly lost the ability to speak Japanese. He looks at her inquisitively.

Ichiro has cast some sort of spell on him that makes Gunnar almost twice his normal size, but that's not what Sae finds odd. Gunnar rarely says anything that isn't about either battle tactics or safety concerns. Why is he asking? Sae wonders. Does he actually care if I call my parents?

"Why do you care?" she says.

Then stops. Hears the words that came from her mouth.

"Uh," she says.

This time she stares at Gunnar in paralyzed silence, while she tries to get her brain to actually form words that aren't stupid or rude. Any chance a hamatula could teleport onto our car right about now?

"I mean ... she's ... Reika's calling ... um."

How about now?

"Do you have ... are you going to call anyone?"

"Can't call. If one of the hamatulas teleports onto the other car, I have to shadow leap over before it can blow a tire."

Being ten feet tall does not make Gunnar less imposing.

"Right, yes, hamatulas." Devil killing, that's an easier topic. Gunnar is focused on that, and at least that is what is making him curt, rather than him being offended or hurt by what she said. "And you can call them once we're safe in the airport."

"Maybe. But I can watch both cars now while you call. Since you can't watch both cars, you may as well take advantage of it while you can."

He keeps crouched over the roof of the car, staring ahead at the vehicle Rex is driving.

Sae scowls. They're both facing forward, so Gunnar can't see her face. She drops her left scimitar and draws her pistol, readying it against any devils that might approach outside of her reach - hers, though not Gunnar's. "Or we could both just do our jobs," she says, putting a little emphasis on the our.

She sighs to herself. Why do they always end up like this? She shoots a devil looming in the darkness to relieve some tension. "Thank you for the offer," she adds, careful to keep her annoyance out of her voice.

Gunnar doesn't reply, and Sae is glad that she is supposed to be facing forward, watching for devils - so that she doesn't need to look back and see his face, see what he is thinking of her.

Happy things!

2007-11-17T00:58:29Z

It's a wonderful day today, and here's why:

1. It's Friday, duh.

2. Tonight I'm going over to watch Doctor Who with nekokoban - the last episode of season 1, and probably some of season 2.

3. Cathartic cooking! I don't know what it is, but cooking my own meal makes me feel good. Something about following the steps to get a desired result, which makes me feel both productive and fulfilled.

4. I've spent the past two days geeking with shadawyn about Warmakers stuff (irishninja's game) both over email and in-person. Fleshing out the backstory for our characters (who are twin sisters), RPing some conversations between them, and drawing fanart.

5. I've also been RPing with ratzeo over email. Since this is something like our fourth or fifth game together, we've decided to try RPing a romance between our characters. Unfortunately ... both of them have negative Charisma. XD;; ratzeo's character has both negative Charisma AND Wisdom, which is even better. And finally, both characters are teenaged. The result? Hilarity.

6. shadawyn, evil temptress that she is, just shared SilverJewelryClub.com with me, a site which offers designer jewelry essentially for free (for real). I haven't gotten anything yet, but I have stared at a lot of shiny things.

7. Tomorrow I'm going to dinner at The Melting Pot!

Edit for myself: Okay, self, you are not allowed to order any more jewelry until you actually receive one of your orders.

Lakota Sioux women's shelter needs help

2007-11-15T19:20:00Z

All text from the Pretty Bird Woman House blog.

In May of this year, the progressive netroots pulled together to save a tiny women's shelter on a Lakota Sioux reservation in South Dakota. Thanks to over 680 strangers who donated a combined $27,000, Pretty Bird Woman House was able to keep its doors open for the duration and provide emergency shelter for 188 women and 132 children.

But just last month thieves broke into Pretty Bird Woman House - literally smashing holes through the walls. They stole the computers, the television, clothing, toiletries - all donated. Then arsonists set fire to the building.

Pretty Bird Woman House remains open, without a house, in an unheated, donated office. The tribal council has done all it can afford to do. Without a house, this sanctuary will die.

Pretty Bird Woman House needs another netroots miracle to survive. There is so much in the world we are powerless over. For Pretty Bird Woman House you can make a difference, make the world a better place, right here, right now, today.

Origins of Pretty Bird Woman House
In October of 2001 a monster in the body of a fifteen-year-old boy stalked the Standing Rock reservation in South Dakota. Since his tenth birthday he had racked up twenty-five separate criminal charges, included among them was torturing a kitten to death. Another incident involved his shattering a beer bottle over the head of an eight year old. Thirty one year old Ivy Archambault had the misfortune of being home asleep when he broke into her house intent on burglary. Before the night ended he kidnapped, raped and beat her to death. In the six years since this crime was committed, he has never been charged with the murder despite eyewitnesses willing to testify, thanks to a nightmarish maze of confusing tribal, federal, state and local jurisdictions and laws. (Sources: Indian Country News, Yankton Daily Press & Dakotan, Citizen's Equal Rights Alliance)

Ivy Archambault's murder might well have passed from memory without any impact. But Jackie Brown Otter, her sister, had other ideas; she envisioned a shelter, a place where threatened women could go. A base for the fight to prevent these crimes and when they occur, seek justice on behalf of the victim. She wanted to name this place with her sister's Lakota name: Pretty Bird Woman. Over the course of three years she and a small group of women struggled to make this happen. Then, in late 2004, the South Dakota Coalition Against Domestic Violence came through with a grant and hired Georgia Little Shield, a nurse with ten years experience in the domestic violence as Director of Pretty Bird Woman House.

Georgia Little Shield knows a little about domestic violence:

I'm a survivor. I was abused as a child. It was real bad. I almost succeeded in committing suicide - you see, back then, the only place I had to go was to die. There was nothing, no shelter, no counseling on the reservation, nowhere I could turn. There was no help for me and I just wanted to die. No woman should have to go through that. No woman should feel that way...

Nobody's going to talk for these women but us. We have to help them. We have to let them know, there is help. We don't have to tolerate it no more. We have rights.

Georgia started in October 2005. The local tribal district government donated office space and on January 5th, 2006, Pretty Bird Woman House opened for business and has not closed since despite a constant struggle to survive.

Scope of the Problem
Standing Rock Reservation is not particularly friendly to women. According to the Amnesty International report Maze of Injustice - The failure to protect Indigenous women from sexual violence in the USA:

High levels of sexual violence on the Standing Rock Sioux Reservation take place in a context of high rates of poverty and crime. South Dakota has the highest poverty rate for Native American women in the USA with 45.3 per cent living in poverty. The unemployment rate on the Reservation is 71 per cent. Crime rates on the Reservation often exceed those of its surrounding areas. According to FBI figures, in 2005 South Dakota had the fourth highest rate of "forcible rapes" of women of any US state.

Amnesty International was told of five rapes which took place over one week in September 2005. Many survivors reported that they had experienced sexual violence several times in their lives and by different perpetrators. There were also several reports of gang rapes. One survivor and activist told Amnesty International that people have become desensitized to acts of sexual violence. A common response to such crimes is blame, but directed at the survivor rather than the perpetrator.

Making things worse, Standing Rock Reservation has a tiny police force to patrol all 2.3 million acres. At the time of the murder of Pretty Bird Woman, Standing Rock had only one police officer on duty during the night shift. As a result, it took over a day for anyone to even come out to start to investigate the disappearance. Since then the night patrol has doubled in size... 2 officers for 2.3 million acres each night.

Further compounding the problem, Amnesty reports on the legal nightmare facing the victims, their advocates and the police:

Tribal and federal authorities have concurrent jurisdiction on all Standing Rock Sioux Reservation lands over crimes where the suspected perpetrator is American Indian. In instances in which the suspected perpetrator is non-Indian, federal officials have exclusive jurisdiction. Neither North nor South Dakota state police have jurisdiction over sexual violence against Native American women on the Standing Rock Sioux Reservation. State police do, however, have jurisdiction over crimes of sexual violence committed on tribal land in instances where the victim and the perpetrator are both non-Indian.

This legal mess has produced three distinct and uniquely horrifying results.

Police agencies often work at cross purposes when it comes to investigating and prosecuting the crime.

"When an emergency call comes in, the sheriff will say ‘but this is Indian land.’ Tribal police will show up and say the reverse. Then, they just bicker and don’t do the job. Many times, this is what occurs. And it doesn’t always get resolved, which means no rape [sexual assault evidence] kit, etc."
-Juskwa Burnett, support worker for Native American survivors of sexual violence, May 2005

Georgia Little Shield told me that when her daughter was beaten by her husband, the husband, remorseful after hitting her daughter, took her daughter to the hospital and asked to be arrested. As emergency workers rebuilt her daughter's shattered nose the police argued over who was responsible for handling the crime. Finally, the city police gave the husband - who was still wearing the t-shirt covered in his wife's blood - his car keys and told him to just go home, nothing was going to happen. And nothing has.

The next result is the predictable outcome of this legal mess - women do not report rapes and domestic violence because when they do, they will suffer victimization by the system. Georgia Little Shield told me: Women don't report because not a darn thing will be done for them. The Amnesty International report bears this assertion out:

Amnesty International’s interviews with survivors, activists and support workers across the USA suggest that available statistics greatly underestimate the severity of the problem. In the Standing Rock Sioux Reservation, for example, many of the women who agreed to be interviewed could not think of any Native women within their community who had not been subjected to sexual violence.

So this is the battlefield on which Georgia Little Shield and her tiny team fights. She tells me that there are police officers there who want to help and want to prosecute but cannot do so. So essentially, the three women who work for Pretty Bird Woman House work alone.

Services Offered by Pretty Bird Woman House
What can Pretty Bird Woman House do against all of this injustice? Small miracles, one day at a time. In the first ten months of 2007 Pretty Bird Woman House accomplished the following:

- answered 397 crisis calls

- gave emergency shelter to 188 women and 132 children

- helped 23 women obtain restraining orders, 10 get divorces, and 16 get medical assistance

- provided court advocacy support for 28 women

- conducted community education programs for 360 women.

These impressive achievements achieve a new stature when put into the context of what happened to Pretty Bird Woman House during the exact same time frame. In April, the grant from the South Dakota Coalition Against Domestic Violence ran out. Georgia Little Shield's salary ended as did the phone service (including crisis line). Pretty Bird Woman House had a staff of three, Georgia Little Shield and at that time, one part time advocate and one volunteer advocate. They were waiting, hoping for a Federal grant to come through at the time they ran out of funding. By the complex rules of the grants, that should have ended Pretty Bird Woman House right there because they could not have provided the services (the crisis line) required to receive the Federal grant. Georgia Little Shield prepared to continue work without pay, realizing that she would not even have the gas money to drive into town many times.

Pretty Bird Woman House needed over $25,000 to make it until September when the Federal grant might kick in. Raising that kind of money on Standing Rock seemed an impossibility. Tribal government remained supportive of the shelter but had no further resources to share after donating a small building at the end of 2006. Further compounding the problem, the three staff members of Pretty Bird Woman House needed to spend their time helping women, not scavenging for non-existent funds.

The Progressive Netroots Miracle
At this time this situation came to the attention of Daily Kos user nbier(I'm not clear how) and he created a chip in page for the effort and followed up with a series of diaries trying to raise funds. And then a miracle happened. Other Daily Kos members diaried about this: flautist, sarac, njgoldfinch and frontpager Devilstower jumped in. From Daily Kos the news spread virally and Christy Hardin-Smith at Firedoglake, mole333 at Culture Kitchen, DB at Queen of Pentacles, William Neuheisel at Creative Evolution.... and many more I have missed kept the torch lit.

The result? Over 680 strangers donated $27,500...

This money functioned as the operating funds for the shelter from May through September of 2007. The Progressive Netroots paid for crisis phone lines, Georgia Little Shield's salary, a financial advocate for the shelter, court costs, operating expenses, food, clothing, toiletries and other incidental expenses. This money literally saved the lives of women on the Standing Rock shelter:

I just got off the phone with Georgia Little Shield, Director and Advocate at the Pretty Bird Woman House. Over the weekend, the shelter received a call from a woman who needed to be evacuated. If this had happened on Thursday, the shelter would not have been able to do much more than take the call. But because of your efforts, Georgia was able to tell this woman: "Don't worry about the money--we have money coming. Just get out and come in."

In late September the Federal grant was awarded, paying the salaries for Georgia Little Shield and two more full time shelter staff/advocates. The future of Pretty Bird Woman House seemed assured. With the support of the Tribal Government, a shelter to house women in danger and the federal grant the pieces had finally come together and the women of Standing Rock had a permanent sanctuary.

This security proved illusory.

Losing the House
Georgia Little Shield described the abandoned building donated to Pretty Bird Woman House by the Bear Soldier District government in late 2006 as being able to house one family and two single women at a time with room for office space on the bottom floor. While not luxurious by any means, it had all the necessities; running water, electricity, telephone lines, a small amount of storage and shelter from South Dakota's harsh winter. The biggest drawback lay in the fact that the building's remote location made it difficult for the small police force to quickly respond.

The first signs of danger came when Pretty Bird Woman House offered shelter to a woman whose batter had a record of extreme violence. Fearing for her safety, they transferred her to a shelter off of the reservation. The next day someone cut the shelter's phone lines. Police did not have the manpower to come out and see the cut phone lines and eventually the phone company fixed them.

Shortly after this unknown men entered an adjoining abandoned building. They kicked and tore a hole through the drywall wide enough to walk through and looted the shelter of anything they could carry: televisions, computers, clothing, toiletries (all donated or purchased with donations) - literally anything that could be carried. This happened in broad daylight while the shelter was empty - the staff were all absent transporting women to court or other shelters. Clearly the perpetrators watched the shelter for such an opportunity.

After a second break in, local government and Pretty Bird Woman House realized that the shelter could not function safely. The staff moved out and returned to the unheated donated office space. The day after they moved out the crisis line got a telephone call:

Lady, your shelter is on fire, they are burning down your shelter.

Arsonists had thrown some kind of molotov cocktail through a basement window, setting fire to the building.

This blow dealt a terrible setback to Pretty Bird Woman House. Some of the grants they depend on require that they provide shelter to battered women and their children. All the advantages they gained - not having to make three and four hour trips transporting women to neighboring shelters (assuming those shelters had room), having a stable base of operations, having the extra time not spent driving, or calling to place women doing grant writing - all of these advantages vanished.

While Georgia Little Shield maintains a stoic resolve that Pretty Bird Woman House will survive regardless, others wonder if the shelter can make it. Some feel the shelter has been targeted (sorry for the "some say" construction - anonymity is a real concern for these people) for destruction.

Fears and Hopes for the Future
Georgia Little Shield has modest dreams for Pretty Bird Woman House:

I want to have a shelter and four paid advocates. Two advocates would focus on sexual assualt - currently we must travel 120 miles to get rape kit. We need two advocates for domestic violence as well. Domestic violence calls make up most of our crisis calls, but sexual assault requires a lot of resources. I want to be able to teach women's safety classes, parenting classes, offer assistance in getting GED's, have a place for women to look for jobs on line. These are the kind of support services I want to offer.

She has not forgotten the men who batter either:

I want to offer them classes to help them stop being violent. Anger management and things like that. Hopefully it would make a difference.

Georgia Little Shield hopes these things can happen but the most important goal for her:

Pretty Bird Woman House must be self sufficient. I have chronic heart problems and diabetes... my health is real bad. I just want to make sure Pretty Bird Woman House will be able to continue without me.

What Your Donation Buys

Pretty Bird Woman House already has two potential replacement houses in mind. Both offer significantly more space than the previous building. Georgia described how they both had full basements, storage room and would house more than double the families and women than their previous building. Both buildings have yards which means possible playgrounds for children.

One house has a major advantage in location - a police station across the street.

Because of difficulties obtaining loans (banks are allergic to both Native Americans and poverty) the best solution lies in purchasing the house outright. The Tribal Council could hold the mortgage but coming up with the mortgage payments every month creates an ongoing problem. Since both houses are on the market, they could be gone anytime. Depressed property values on Standing Rock mean that $60,000 gets the house. An additional $10,000 is required to make them secure, with proper fencing, video cameras, reinforced doors and other measures. Neither house is in great shape, but both offer shelter and that remains the bottom line for the survival of Pretty Bird Woman House.

This is urgent for many reasons:
- Pretty Bird Woman House cannot serve the women who need help now - if neighboring shelters are full battered women and rape victims needing a place to go have nowhere at all.

- the lack of a shelter disqualifies Pretty Bird Woman House from many grants

- the situation requires Pretty Bird Woman House to stretch its resources to the breaking point - it cannot be sustained.

Once Pretty Bird Woman House has a permanent home, the future looks much brighter. Again, they will meet the criteria for grants. The permanency of a home opens many doors for them and makes a huge impact on the future of the shelter. Beyond this, a permanent women's shelter on Standing Rock creates an infrastructure to begin to tackle the nightmares detailed above. That infrastructure will function to erode the resistance to change. In a very real sense a women's shelter is the foundation upon which progress can take place.

In short, if we meet this goal, Pretty Bird Woman House should not need constant fundraisers by the progressive blogosphere.

Please: DONATE NOW. Pretty Bird Woman House is a 501 (c) 3 charitable organization.

What Else Can We Do?
Material donations
If you have clothing, toiletries or other goods (or checks if you don't donate online) donations you can send them via USPS to:
Pretty Bird Woman House
P.O. Box 596
McLaughlin, SD 57642

If you use FedEx, UPS or DHL ship to:
Pretty Bird Woman House
302 Sale Barn Rd.
McLaughlin SD 57642

If you have ideas for helping, please join the Yahoo Group.

Perhaps most importantly, BLOG. Spread the word. Make it go viral. That is the genius, the magic, of the netroots - our amazing power. No one of us has to do this all on their own. We do this as community. Pass this on throughout the community. Feel free to take anything from my diaries or from the Pretty Bird Woman Blog for this purpose. That's what it is there for. Please, if nothing else, do this.

Anything you do for this effort is appreciated. You are helping make the Bird in Pretty Bird Woman House into a Phoenix – literally rising from the flames. Please take a second to tell us in comments what you did so we may thank you – and maybe your comments will inspire someone else to give as well.

Georgia Little Shield said:

Someone has to hear these women. Someone has to listen to them.

Let's make sure someone can be there to listen. Thank you so very much.

Links
Friends of Pretty Bird Woman House Yahoo Group
Pretty Bird Woman House Blog
Amnesty International Report-Maze of Injustice: The failure to protect Indigenous women from sexual violence in the USA
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