I GRADUATED SUMMA CUM LAUDE!!!

I just got my final quarter grades in - my final grades kept my cumulative GPA above the threshold - I was so afraid that my last quarter would tip me off the edge - but it didn't! It's not just "pending"! It's real!

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

It went well, of course. Despite the spectrum of nervous-to-fretting-to-OMGPANIC! that I ran through during that final week there ... even *I* knew that there weren't likely to be any catastrophic mishaps. Of course that still didn't stop me from running around like a headless chicken and fussing over everything in sight, starting at 10:00 in the morning, when I opened up the room for decorating, until 4:00 when everything was finished and cleaned up.

The ceremony, I hear, was fantastic; a lot of people in the department called it the best they'd ever seen. That wasn't really a result of my planning efforts, I think - if I'm being totally honest, I'd say that the way I pulled everything together in such a short time was pretty impressive, but the end result wasn't a fancier or flashier ceremony than anything that happened before. Decorations were nice, food was nice, etc.; but they weren't anything extraordinary.

What made it, I think, was the student input. Almost by accident, the bulk of the ceremony was performed by the graduating students. We wanted some sort of musical performance, and it just so happens that one of our majors is in a rock band, and one of our minors is a music major (who sang at the University commencement ceremony). We wanted a speaker, but when I asked my favorite professor, she said she would only do it if it didn't take away from the students - so we ended up doing the collaborative student speech I talked about earlier. (And since I was part of that, yeah, I'll take partial credit. XD)

The audience, both friends and family and the faculty, seemed to really enjoy the student content. We even got a standing ovation from the faculty after our speeches, which I really appreciated because I highly, highly respect the members of the faculty.

I don't remember much of the rest of the ceremony, though, because it passed in a haze of low-level worry about what might go wrong, mixed in with nervous anticipation for my speech. I sort of wish I could watch it all over again so I could actually enjoy it.

We did have a few minor mishaps - including the department chair mixing up the order of events, and some of the food getting stored in the freezer instead of the refrigerator. XD But that was it, and everything else went well. There were also a ton of people willing to help out - classmates, faculty, as well as friends and family. Thanks to kyonkun and zinjadu for helping with decorations and food, and to ratzeo for running (and bringing!) our sound system. ♥

Hopefully now I'll actually be able to pay attention to other things again. _o_

On Tuesday, I turned in my last final paper. On Wednesday, I had my English department graduation ceremony. Once Sunday hits, I'll have the Women Studies ceremony and my last bit of school will be over.

I feel like I should be more ... I don't know. Depressed? Moved, in some fashion?

Maybe it's because I'm still feverishly preparing for the Women Studies graduation. I'm still running the gauntlet of job interviews in preparation of having a position when I get back from London. And then there's the preparation for London. All these things are drawing my focus away from what's ending and towards the next thing coming up.

This is weird for me. Normally I don't like change. I mull over it; I worry about it and sometimes fear it. My attention is usually on the loss more than the new opportunity. But right now, it's the opposite. I know what's over, but I haven't really felt it. I feel really calm and accepting about it.

In a way, I find this equanimity disappointing. I don't like the feeling of something ending ... but I do dwell on that feeling, even revel in it, in a weird, masochistic way. Probably because the feeling of loss is proportional to how good something was in the first place, and letting that loss wash over me is bittersweet.

(I find myself really liking this Death icon. Her brand of inner peace is not naive, but very knowing and accepting. It's appealing, and kind of comforting.)

I'm vaguely worried that all my angst will build up, and once everything I'm planning gets resolved - I come back from London, start a new job - I'll get hit with everything at once and get really emo. XD;;

One of the features of the Women Studies graduation ceremony will be a collaborative speech from a few of the graduating students about what Women Studies means to them. This group includes yours truly, because ... well, honestly, because if I was going to bust my ass planning this ceremony, I wasn't going to pass up the chance to get some attention. :P

Anyway. Each of us will have about two minutes to speak, with a focus of our choice. Which leaves me with the question of how the HELL to express everything I feel about Women Studies in the space of two minutes? >_>

The second question is how to make sure I say what I want to say, but still make it a compelling speech. I'm particularly aware of the risk of coming off as didactic or pedantic, seeing as I just came from a graduation ceremony where the student speaker, uh, sort of did just that. I mean, she wasn't all bad - I don't want to rag on her, because she had a lot of pressure on her, and she did pretty well. There were just several moments in the speech that rubbed me the wrong way, and felt too much like moments of "Now I shall impart my wisdom upon you." I'm sure I come off that way myself, sometimes. :P So I want to avoid that as much as possible.

One idea I'm playing with is the balancing of opposing ideas. For instance, doubt and strength - doubt in the 'truth's given to us, doubt of ourselves; balanced with the strength that self-doubt and self-reflection can grant. There's also the balance of joy and anger, as displayed in these two quotes from Gloria Steinem: "The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off," and "I think we need to talk about the joy. I get such joy out of feminism. It is the greatest joy of my life, and somehow we don't translate that."

Feminism, and by extension, my Women Studies education, have really taught me the best parts of both sides of those balances, and that's one of the things I want to highlight for my classmates and for our families.

But is it the most important thing? And is this the best way to express it? I have about a day and a half to decide. *sigh*

I thought I was going to avoid getting a case of the woobs before I finished up with school, but now that I'm sitting at home on a quiet Sunday night, they're starting to creep up on me.

I managed to hold out on Thursday, when I had my last day of (undergraduate) classes; and on Friday, when I had my last ADP showing. But now, as I sit in front of my computer to write my last paper, I'm beginning to feel the sort of wistful nostalgia that hits me when things are ending. Over writing my last paper. How nerdy is that?

It's just as well that I will most likely (hopehopehope) end up working at my current office after graduation. If I had to think about saying goodbye to that place, too, I'd probably be hopelessly wooby.

I think the reason I've been able to keep the woobiness from hitting me thus far is that I've just been too damn busy to have time to dwell on much of anything. But I finally hit the peak of my busyness, and I'm on the downward slope. About a month ago I made a spreadsheet of all the obligations I had through June (nerd points x 2!!), and as I look at it now it's about half the size it originally was. Three of my courses are completely taken care of. My obsessive job search is finally tapering off, and I only have a couple of interviews left before (I think) I settle on something. The Women Studies graduation still looms over my head, but at this point there's no more time for major decisions or changes in plans, so for better or for worse it's going to happen according to the plans I've set up so far.

So now I have some breathing room, which means time to brood. And it's a rainy summer evening, which always makes me nostalgic and squishy. So I start thinking Deep Thoughts about life changes and personal growth and the transience of circumstances.

I hope I can still accomplish everything I need to before degenerating into a pile of reminiscing wibbliness. :P

P.S. Thank you to everyone who's put up with me being stressed out, flaily, anti-social, etc. for the past quarter. ^^;

[This is the final part of my series on Women and Violence, which I wrote as a project for a Women Studies course I took this quarter. For an explanation and information on my intentions with this series, please see the introduction.]

I realize that a quarter-long series of articles about violence against women can be depressing, and I'd like to end this on an optimistic note.

Unfortunately, I don't have The Solution to violence against women. Even I don't have delusions of being that wise. ;) But - and here I'm engaging in a bit of hubris - I believe in the power of language to educate and agitate for change. That's one of the reasons I chose to undertake this project, and why I choose to blog in general. Writing and dialoguing is important. It's powerful. It's consciousness raising in cyberspace.

( Fighting the roots of violence )

x-posted to Shrub.com

Two things happened that boosted the quality of my day:

( first )

( second )

[This is part of my series on Women and Violence, which I am writing as a project for a Women Studies course I'm taking. For an explanation and information on my intentions with this series, please see the introduction.]

In "The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action," Audre Lorde writes the following description of her thought process when faced with a potential diagnosis of cancer:

[...] and what I most regretted were my silences. Of what had I ever been afraid? To question or to speak as I believed could have meant pain, or death. But we all hurt in so many different ways, all the time, and pain will either change or end. Death, on the other hand, is the final silence. And that might be coming quickly, now, without regard for whether I had ever spoken what needed to be said, or had only betrayed myself into small silences, while I planned someday to speak, or waited for someone else's words. And I began to recognize a source of power within myself that comes from the knowledge that while it is most desirable not to be afraid, learning to put fear into a perspective gave me great strength.

I was going to die, if not sooner then later, whether or not I had ever spoken myself. My silences had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you." (41)

( The meaning(s) of silence )

x-posted to Shrub.com

[This is part of my series on Women and Violence, which I am writing as a project for a Women Studies course I'm taking. For an explanation and information on my intentions with this series, please see the introduction.]

In an article titled "'Femininity' and women's silence in response to sexual harassment and coercion," Kathleen V. Cairns describes how harassment of women functions as a method of social control over women's behavior:

[O]vert practices include the public, ritual shaming of women in the form of catcalls, lewd remarks and so on which serves to demonstrate the fact that 'any man or group of men feels entitled not only to pass judgement on any woman walking along minding her own business, but also to announce it to her' [Kotzin 1993: 167]

[...]

In patriarchy, women are taught to accept that their femaleness, their simple presence, are responsible for men's behavior towards them [...] It becomes women's responsibility to police themselves, to keep their dress, comportment and presence within approved limits to avoid 'provoking' harassment. (96-7).

This dynamic - of men acting with impunity to judge women, and women shouldering the blame for men's actions towards them - can be applied to other forms of gender violence as well. What it comes down to is the way that negative reactions from men - or even the anticipation of those reactions - function to police women in everything from their appearance to their behavior.

( the lessons women learn )

x-posted to Shrub.com

( Reasons why I don't want to write my papers )

( Reasons why I do want to write my papers )

End result: I'm setting a goal of finishing a Women and Violence entry before I go out this evening. Then I'll have a couple days of doing fun stuff, and then go back to work. I can manage to accomplish everything I need to without letting it overwhelm me, dammit.

The Women Studies department is in desperate need of funds for its graduation ceremony. Our departmental budget managed to pay for the facilities for our ceremony, as well as some other basic requirements - but beyond that, everything is left for the students to fund themselves.

Could you find it in your heart of hearts to donate some money to the cause? Even a few dollars will help. Everything we receive will go towards things such as decorating our venue, printing nice programs, feeding our guests, and accomodating our musical performers.

I'm setting up a donation box in the main office of the Women Studies department. It's located in Padelford Hall, one of the first doors in the right-hand hallway from the main entrance.

If you have a few spare bucks, please consider donating them to the cause of an awesome, but underfunded, department. I love my department and the good work it does, and I want to honor its members in our graduation ceremony.

Thanks!

[This is part of my series on Women and Violence, which I am writing as a project for a Women Studies course I'm taking. For an explanation and information on my intentions with this series, please see the introduction.]

Yesterday some of my classmates gave a presentation about female genital cutting (though the terminology they used, and which is probably more familiar to people, is "female genital mutilation" - a difference which I'll address later on). It's an important, worthwhile issue, and I'm glad our class is addressing it.

Still, every time the topic comes up in conversation I cringe inwardly.

( Here's why )

x-posted to Shrub.com

[This is part of my series on Women and Violence, which I am writing as a project for a Women Studies course I'm taking. For an explanation and information on my intentions with this series, please see the introduction.]

Next week I'm giving a presentation in class on cosmetic surgery in regards to women of color. Now, cosmetic surgery does not readily fall under most common definitions of 'violence,' and I find myself hesitant to categorically label it as such.

On the one hand, while cosmetic surgery does involve bloody alterations on a person's body, so does surgery in general, and we generally don't label that as violent - especially when voluntarily consented to by the patient. The fact that cosmetic surgery is often (though not always) agreed to by an autonomous individual does mitigate the physical damage it brings.

Of course, we are all aware that 'consent' is a sticky issue, and that we can't ignore the pressures that can constrain a person's ability to make a choice - particularly in the case of women facing pressures to be 'beautiful' in a certain way.

Furthermore, the same level of physical damage can be construed as 'violent' or 'non-violent' depending on the context. Full-contact sports can be performed just as ferociously as a street brawl, yet not be uncontrolled and violent. What's more, a session of safe, sane, and consensual BDSM can be non-violent, while the quietest rape perpetrated under clearly communicated threat is clearly not.

( Where else violence lurks )

x-posted to Shrub.com

[This is part of my series on Women and Violence, which I am writing as a project for a Women Studies course I'm taking. For an explanation and information on my intentions with this series, please see the introduction.]

One of the most insidious ways of normalizing and justifying gendered violence is by tying it to tradition. By portraying perpetrators as if they were enacting the accepted practices of a culture, those in power position victims of violence not only against their victimizer, but also against the weight of a culture's history. Additionally, "tradition" is a popular buzzword that protects a practice from interrogation, hiding it behind a shield of maintaining history or honoring ancestors.

( Where that leaves women )

x-posted to Shrub.com

( this morning )

( Tuesday )

( actual important news )

So all this stuff has combined to create a weird kind of headspace for me. Not good or bad, per se. Just weird.

Although part of the effect might be due to the coffee. :P I really need to lay off for a while.

I skipped a paper because I could, and I feel very bad about this.

Partly, I'm just worried about whether it was a practical decision. This class has four of these papers assigned throughout the quarter, but only three are required, meaning one will be dropped. Since the paper I just skipped is the first one we've had, I wonder if I've used my optional freebie too soon, and will regret it later on when end-of-quarter busyness hits.

Also, I'm worried because I really had no good reason not to do this paper. Last week, my research paper ate me alive; but I had time to write this paper over the weekend. And then I didn't. So I planned on writing it today. And then I didn't. (It's due tomorrow in class, and I could stay up to write it, but I know I won't.) I had the time to do it; but I sabotaged myself - first with self-doubt, and then laziness and lack of motivation were the nails in the coffin.

I know, this is pretty obvious senioritis, and it's not a big deal. I'm just worried about it becoming a pattern - that I'll get into the habit of taking the out when it's offered and not push myself. I know I'm safe for the rest of the quarter, because everything from here on out is required and I don't have the luxury of laziness (not if I want to get summa, dammit). But after I graduate, when I don't have school to push me ... Even if I end up with a challenging and stimulating job, that won't provide me with the learning and writing and analyzing that school does. And will I have the strength of will to acquire those things myself?

... Or am I just being paranoid and over-analyzing, as per usual? :P I think it's worthwhile to consider this concern, though, and I hope I can keep it from overwhelming me without losing sight of it.

For my personal reference. Also, anyone who's also Type A about grades and wants to nerd it up commiserate with me.

( Move it along, nothing to see here )

[This is part of my series on Women and Violence, which I am writing as a project for a Women Studies course I'm taking. For an explanation and information on my intentions with this series, please see the introduction.]

A couple of disclaimers, to start:

-First, this is not about me being angry at, or blaming, any particular individuals. This is also not about placing the responsibility for a society-wide problem on these particular individuals.

-Second, this entry is for everyone to read, even though I refer to a specific example in which only a few people were involved. The point of this entry is, again, not to pin the responsibility on anyone. The point is to raise awareness of a common, problematic pattern that we all engage in.

( With that said ... )

x-posted to Shrub.com

[This is part of my series on Women and Violence, which I am writing as a project for a Women Studies course I'm taking. For an explanation and information on my intentions with this series, please see the introduction.]

One of the first readings assigned for this class has been Albert Bandura's "Selective Activation and Disengagement of Moral Control," published in volume 46, number 1 of Journal of Social Issues. The purpose of the article is to examine how, in normal and everyday circumstances, people can commit actions that they typically consider immoral. Most of the time, barring deviant individuals, we keep ourselves in check. We decide not to commit immoral actions according to what we understand as 'moral,' without needing other people to force us to do so.

According to Bandura, we regulate ourselves through the use of "self-sanctions." I guess it's like the superego, but without dealing with issues of the unconscious. For a psychological layperson like me, it's useful just to think of it as a conscience. Basically it means that we watch and judge ourselves, and that is what determines our behavior. So if those judgments are somehow deactivated, then we can engage in behavior that we would normally consider wrong, but without making ourselves feel shame.

This is a pretty useful concept for a class on gendered violence, because it helps explain why something normally heinous (violence, particularly sexual violence) has become so common against women. I also find it useful for wider discussions about sexism in general - why something as awful-sounding as discriminating against people based on their sex is nonetheless such a widespread part of our societies. Not by a few of the absolute worst people. Not by the people who mean to do it. But by everybody.

( but I'm such a Nice Guy ... )

x-posted to Shrub.com