April 23rd, 2007

thinky tim

Senioritis. Again.

I skipped a paper because I could, and I feel very bad about this.

Partly, I'm just worried about whether it was a practical decision. This class has four of these papers assigned throughout the quarter, but only three are required, meaning one will be dropped. Since the paper I just skipped is the first one we've had, I wonder if I've used my optional freebie too soon, and will regret it later on when end-of-quarter busyness hits.

Also, I'm worried because I really had no good reason not to do this paper. Last week, my research paper ate me alive; but I had time to write this paper over the weekend. And then I didn't. So I planned on writing it today. And then I didn't. (It's due tomorrow in class, and I could stay up to write it, but I know I won't.) I had the time to do it; but I sabotaged myself - first with self-doubt, and then laziness and lack of motivation were the nails in the coffin.

I know, this is pretty obvious senioritis, and it's not a big deal. I'm just worried about it becoming a pattern - that I'll get into the habit of taking the out when it's offered and not push myself. I know I'm safe for the rest of the quarter, because everything from here on out is required and I don't have the luxury of laziness (not if I want to get summa, dammit). But after I graduate, when I don't have school to push me ... Even if I end up with a challenging and stimulating job, that won't provide me with the learning and writing and analyzing that school does. And will I have the strength of will to acquire those things myself?

... Or am I just being paranoid and over-analyzing, as per usual? :P I think it's worthwhile to consider this concern, though, and I hope I can keep it from overwhelming me without losing sight of it.