June 8th, 2007

thinky tim

Hmm

On Tuesday, I turned in my last final paper. On Wednesday, I had my English department graduation ceremony. Once Sunday hits, I'll have the Women Studies ceremony and my last bit of school will be over.

I feel like I should be more ... I don't know. Depressed? Moved, in some fashion?

Maybe it's because I'm still feverishly preparing for the Women Studies graduation. I'm still running the gauntlet of job interviews in preparation of having a position when I get back from London. And then there's the preparation for London. All these things are drawing my focus away from what's ending and towards the next thing coming up.

This is weird for me. Normally I don't like change. I mull over it; I worry about it and sometimes fear it. My attention is usually on the loss more than the new opportunity. But right now, it's the opposite. I know what's over, but I haven't really felt it. I feel really calm and accepting about it.

In a way, I find this equanimity disappointing. I don't like the feeling of something ending ... but I do dwell on that feeling, even revel in it, in a weird, masochistic way. Probably because the feeling of loss is proportional to how good something was in the first place, and letting that loss wash over me is bittersweet.

(I find myself really liking this Death icon. Her brand of inner peace is not naive, but very knowing and accepting. It's appealing, and kind of comforting.)

I'm vaguely worried that all my angst will build up, and once everything I'm planning gets resolved - I come back from London, start a new job - I'll get hit with everything at once and get really emo. XD;;